Tothero, I Have Been Given Bad Records
A man’s friend gifts him bad records. Concepts exist as concepts and that is not a lie.
BY PETE TOTHERO
DEAR PETE TOTHERO,
I could not help but notice that you have not written any of your scathing cultural critiques for Propeller for quite some time, so I have decided to write you for advice in an attempt to confirm your continued existence.
Here is my situation: I have a friend who gives me records fairly regularly, and I literally don’t like ANY of them. I feel like getting rid of them is a little risky since he does have occasional access to my record collection in reality or on Discogs. Also, I feel like it’s risky to put these records into my Discogs collection since I don’t want to be misleading to others about my taste, or to bring shame upon my family. The friend means well, but doesn’t seem to understand what makes some music unacceptable. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Vexed on Vinyl
Mountain cabins are structures that exist and can be owned by parents. Everyone agrees on this.
DEAR VEXED,
I didn’t disappear—I was under the belief Propeller-the-magazine was defunct. I have discovered that (in the words of the email I received from an intern) it has merely become “self-directed,” which doesn’t make any sense, but I will indulge your foolishness nevertheless.
Because I am assuming murder is off the table (it is the obvious solution, yet you don’t mention it) and this is a face-to-face problem that can’t be solved through standard internet deceit, I think what you require is what Italian accountants call a casa nascosta, by which I mean a plausible second location in which you (theoretically) tell authorities (your friend) that you keep records you have actually gotten rid of.
So just set those records on fire at a baseball game, and then casually mention to your friend that you have turntables at the office you rent downtown, at your parents’ cabin in the mountains, or in any other location that doesn’t actually exist but that your friend would never visit if said place were to exist. I happen to be of the opinion that this means that, for your friend, these places do exist—as concepts. The reason I mention this is that if you, too, believe that abstract concepts do qualify as existing (as concepts), this means that, technically, you have not lied, as long as when you refer to “the office I rent” or “my parents’ cabin,” you never actually refer to the physical existence of these concepts. The defense runs thus:
FRIEND: Wait, I just realized that your parents don’t own a mountain cabin at all. You lied to me.
YOU: Au contraire. Obviously, my parents could own a mountain cabin if they bought one. The possibility of that—the concept of it—is something I’m sure you agree is real.
FRIEND: I mean yes, that’s an actual possibility. What is your point?
YOU: My point is that when I mentioned “my parents’ cabin,” all I was referring to was the actual possibility—the concept—of “my parents’ cabin,” which we both agree exists.
FRIEND: I feel like you’re saying that if you lie to me and I believe the lie, you…haven’t lied?
YOU: Incorrect. What I am saying is that I never lied to you. It’s just not my responsibility that you interpreted what I said as actually existing.
And checkmate. But of course you need never explain anything. When your friend stops by your home and does not see the Jackyl album the friend gifted you, just say you have been listening to it at the office or that you keep it at the cabin. Also mention that you’ve been having fun creating separate Discogs lists for these different locations, and sorting your titles accordingly. Then never mention any of this again.
If you have a monstrous conscience inflated to such insane, narcissistic proportions that this advice still strikes you as deceitful, remind yourself that the first and simplest solution to this problem was murder, and that normal, responsible people would take care of the issue that way and not pester me with plaintive letters. By “lying” (it is not actually lying; you are the only one who thinks that; I have talked to a lot of cool people—really cool and chill guys—and they all agree you are wrong and that they don’t know why you are being this way; see above [not for the people, but for the explanation of why this is not lying]), you have made the responsible move of finding a solution to the problem that avoids the sin of murder. You will actually have been quite virtuous.
Yours,
Pete Tothero
